I had a doctor’s appointment today, and I got weighed. I’d avoided my Monday weigh-in yesterday because over the weekend I had not one, but two croissants, the frozen kind from William Sonoma. I bought them back in October for the holidays, but plans changed and I ended up going home, instead of my family coming here. So I never ate them. They’ve been sitting in the freezer since then. My intention was to make only one, but they were frozen hard and the least number I could get out was two. And you know what? They were o.k.  They were good. No, really, they were quite good, but… They weren’t the taste explosion I expected them to be. There could be several reasons for this.

  1. They’ve been in my freezer since October, so they might be a little freezer burned. Whoops.
  2. They over-rose. My kitchen was probably closer to 80 degrees than the 72 they recommend and they looked like small pale balloons Saturday morning. And finally,
  3. I think I may have built them up way too much in my head.

Deciding to even bake them was a huge deal. Because if I baked them I’d eat them. What would it do to my stomach? What would it do to my blood sugar?  And the one that never goes away: what would it do to my weight?

These things are expensive: $40 for 15, plus shipping. That’s more than $2.60 each (it’s very sad I had to figure that out on the computer calculator; my lack of math skills is embarrassing). That’s a lot of money for a croissant I have to cook myself.  I’m at the point where I’ll order a sandwich and not eat the bread, but I’m not willing to throw out Williams-Sonoma croissant kind of money. Plus, I’d wanted to order those croissant for years. And finally I’d declared myself a true foodie and done it.  I wanted to taste them, to see what all the fuss was about.

And, they were good. They could have been flakier but that was probably because they rose at least twice as much as they were supposed to. They were like mutant grocery store “crescent rolls” instead of real buttery flaky French croissants.

Saturday morning I sat with the freshly baked croissant. Just one. No TV, no music. Just me and the croissant, and the cultured butter. (I’ve decided that if I’m going to eat carbs, they need to be buttery to keep the high fat ratio going. My carb intake might have been 25% that day but it wasn’t more than that.)

I took off a piece, still warm, buttered it and put it in my mouth. It did not overwhelm me. I did not swoon. I did not roll my eyes into the back of my head in ecstasy. It simply tasted good. And from that first bite I knew I would not eat the other croissant. At least not right then. I knew it was manageable. I knew I wouldn’t bake one every day until they were all gone. I felt calm in that knowledge.  I let the other one stay out and get stale. The next night, I dunked it into an egg and milk mixture and made French toast out of it, using the big bottom half to soak up the yokes of two fried eggs. YUM!! Now that was a taste sensation! The smaller top, I dotted with maple syrup. It seemed too sweet. Not as good as the eggy buttery bread with eggs on top.

I’m not really depriving myself by eating low carb, paleo, primal, whatever religion you want to call it. I don’t want it to be a religion, is what I’m saying. The less I think of it in absolutes, the happier I’ll be. Does this mean I’m going to make this a monthly thing? Maybe. It’s kind of turning out to be an every six weeks I splurge kind of thing. Is that bad? Considering I used to get something sweet with my coffee almost everyday in the afternoon, not counting candy and chips and anything to feed the constant hunger? Hell no that’s not bad!!!

This morning at the doctor’s office, I weighed in at 202.7 (I could be wrong on the .point). That’s almost two pounds down from last week 204 (no decimals). I’m down about 10bls since mid-january, if I’m counting from 215. If I’m counting from 220, which I may well have been it’s about 15. That’s not counting the epic carb binge in San Francisco (Tartine, Humphry Slocombe), or the croissants a mere two days ago. I’m going home next weekend. I’m going to eat my mother’s cooking. And I won’t feel bad about it. I’m in this for the long haul.


April 13, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

The Year of Denial

It’s time to begin again. Or stop again. Either way, there are several reasons:

  1. The holidays, in my case September through January really didn’t help my stomach. I suddenly remembered what it was like to always have a stomach ache and always feel bloated. The Year of Denial is over; my body can’t take eating carbs anymore. If it ever could.
  2. I’d gotten back up to about 215, maybe 217, maybe 220 when I wasn’t getting on the scale. That’s just uncomfortable. The Year of Denial really started about 18 months ago with the extreme stress of buying my house and then getting a new job, and other things that brought a great deal of stress into my life. Also, knee problems which made going to yoga impossible. Also, just found out I have sever vitamin D deficiency. Which may have something to do with the knee problems. Still a sucky feel sorry for myself period of time.
  3. Gary Taubes has come out with a new book, Why We Get Fat (buy it!). I read it, the whole time thinking, ‘I remember this. Why was I in denial about this?’ Oh yeah, it was the Year of Denial.

Technically, I’ve been doing it (not eating carbs), or not doing it (eating carbs), since mid-to-late January. This does not include however, an epic carb binge on a trip to San Francisco around my birthday in February. My belly was so bloated, someone could have easily  mistaken me for pregnant. I wasn’t. It was the carbs. And they were delicious. And I don’t really regret it.

I’m not exercising that much now. I’ve got about a 20 minute walk both ways from the garage to the office, and I still practice yoga, though it’s yin yoga, because the knee prevents me from doing anything too rigorous.  That’s enough for now. I’ll crank it up when I’m under 200 again, in a couple of months I hope.

I’m down to about 206. I was 208 last week. It looks to be about a pound a week when I’m on it. And I’m on it. How long will I be on it? I honestly don’t know, but there won’t be another year(s) long detour from it. I’m too old and too damaged and there are still so many things I want to do. And I need this body to do them.

March 23, 2011. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

start and stop

I wrote this last week. Last week sucked so I got back to it to actually post it. Here it is. A lot has happened since then.

This week I decided not to eat any sugar and much less bread, to lower the amount of sugar and starches that I’ve been eating from the high of the holidays.  My skin has been looking awful and I ‘m feeling bloated and I just wanted a clean slate.

I was not crazy with it. If a little slice of bread came with the soup I ate it (if it was good).  I ate dark chocolate. I do feel better, even though I ate dessert at a True Blood watching last night and I got high on sugar and caffeine this morning because I didn’t get to bed until 1am and I still woke up at 5:30.  I’ll eat dessert and bread tomorrow as well (have friends coming over for dinner) and maybe even Sunday.

My goal is to not eat sugar and bread every single day. This is doable. I’m not sure how I didn’t eat any sugar or bread for two whole months when I first tried a low carb diet.  I was so entranced with how much I was losing that I just didn’t, I guess. But I have to admit, the second I stopped losing I stopped the diet. We’re so trained to think of diets for weight loss that if we go on a diet and we don’t lose weight, we stop it even though we feel much better, and in my case, my skin was so flawless. (I didn’t realize how much I wanted flawless skin until I had it for a couple of months.)

But dieting to lose weight is just no longer an option.  Now I’m at a place where I think, life is too short not to enjoy the lovely bread I make or dessert or anything else (non-food) for that matter.  If I’m fat, I’m fat. For those who say, I’m shortening my life by eating this way… you’re morons.  I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I will exercise moderately (well actually I love vigorous workouts) 3-4 times a week but that’s all I can promise. And when I say promise I mean promise myself. I’m tired of lying to myself so I can make someone else feel better about me.

Would I like to drop 50lbs? Sure. Is that likely to happen? No. Am I going to beat myself up when it doesn’t? Probably. That’s being honest.

January 21, 2010. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.