start and stop

I wrote this last week. Last week sucked so I got back to it to actually post it. Here it is. A lot has happened since then.

This week I decided not to eat any sugar and much less bread, to lower the amount of sugar and starches that I’ve been eating from the high of the holidays.  My skin has been looking awful and I ‘m feeling bloated and I just wanted a clean slate.

I was not crazy with it. If a little slice of bread came with the soup I ate it (if it was good).  I ate dark chocolate. I do feel better, even though I ate dessert at a True Blood watching last night and I got high on sugar and caffeine this morning because I didn’t get to bed until 1am and I still woke up at 5:30.  I’ll eat dessert and bread tomorrow as well (have friends coming over for dinner) and maybe even Sunday.

My goal is to not eat sugar and bread every single day. This is doable. I’m not sure how I didn’t eat any sugar or bread for two whole months when I first tried a low carb diet.  I was so entranced with how much I was losing that I just didn’t, I guess. But I have to admit, the second I stopped losing I stopped the diet. We’re so trained to think of diets for weight loss that if we go on a diet and we don’t lose weight, we stop it even though we feel much better, and in my case, my skin was so flawless. (I didn’t realize how much I wanted flawless skin until I had it for a couple of months.)

But dieting to lose weight is just no longer an option.  Now I’m at a place where I think, life is too short not to enjoy the lovely bread I make or dessert or anything else (non-food) for that matter.  If I’m fat, I’m fat. For those who say, I’m shortening my life by eating this way… you’re morons.  I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

I will exercise moderately (well actually I love vigorous workouts) 3-4 times a week but that’s all I can promise. And when I say promise I mean promise myself. I’m tired of lying to myself so I can make someone else feel better about me.

Would I like to drop 50lbs? Sure. Is that likely to happen? No. Am I going to beat myself up when it doesn’t? Probably. That’s being honest.

January 21, 2010. Tags: , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Conscious Peeing

What is the line between self-acceptance/self-love and change? If I love everything about myself and accept everything, what’s my motivation to change, or put another way, what’s my motivation to do things differently? And since this is a blog about weighting, what’s my motivation to eat and move differently in order to lose weight.

No self help book that teaches self acceptance and self love has explained that adequately. Even Buddhist books just say sit with it and if they go into details, they just seem like any other seemingly compassionate, but really kind of patronizing diet book.  Even Buddhist monks can’t seem to escape the current dogma that weight is a psychological issue and not a physiological one.

In Cheri Huber’s Making a Change For Good: A Guide to Compassionate Self-Discipline, she writes  “…eating, along with every addiction we struggle with, is not about the content, it is about the process, and the process is identity maintenance” (pg 77).

The use of the word “addiction” for so many random things really annoys me. Maybe I’m wrong but I could have sworn that addiction used to mean someone had a physical dependence on something. You were addicted to heroin, just as I am addicted to coffee. Getting unaddicted caused physical pain. (Don’t smirk about the coffee addiction. I once stopped drinking coffee and I had a headache for 72 hours straight.) Now the word addiction is used to refer to behavior like an addiction to gambling.

I find the use of the word addiction to eating just bizarre. Whatever else you’re “addicted” to – cigarettes, crack, sex, bungee jumping – whether it’s physical or psychological, you don’t have to do any of them.  You do have to eat. Even if what you eat is crap you still have to eat. Eating in and of itself is not about “identity maintenance”, it’s about staying alive.

I understand the concept of conscious eating, which Cheri also talks about. Honestly I need to do it more often, because it’s a good idea to do everything with consciousness. But we don’t. And my question is why is eating so vilified?  Does anyone ever have the urge to pee, but then say to themselves “Slow down. Don’t stop to pee. I won’t pee until I can breathe and pee pee consciously.”

All babies do is eat, pee and shit. And they cry bloody murder right away if you don’t recognize. So why would you call eating an addiction? No one ever calls peeing or shitting an “addiction”.  And they’re kind of nasty. What would conscious peeing be anyway?  “Slow the stream, Grasshopper. Know that the pee is a part of you.”

Some could argue that there’s no choice in peeing or shitting, while eating involves myriad choices and it’s up to the individual to make the “right” choices. Don’t get me wrong, I get the idea of being “addicted” to certain foods, like say Cheetos. Not good. But this dogma really goes further than that. Underneath it there’s a sense that if you’re fat, you don’t really need to eat. At all. It’s the idea that eating itself is a choice, not just what or how much you eat. And hunger is an entirely psychological issue with no physiological basis. And if we continue down this road, we’re headed toward a long, long epidemic.

January 5, 2010. Tags: , , . diet. 2 comments.

Getting Past ‘No’

Diets don’t work.

But I know that I feel better physically when I cut out carbs, especially sugar. My skin is clearer, my digestion/elimination is better, my sugar crashes aren’t… aren’t, and I don’t get the wicked headaches I used to get all the time (maybe I destroyed my liver with all the ibuprofen?). I’ve learned that when I do eat too much sugar, like during the holidays, a piece of bacon will settle my stomach. Bacon!  I’m trying to eat this way, for my health, without the focus being on losing weight.

But it feels like a weight loss diet. It has the same texture and pattern, one that insists absolute fealty and obedience to the Diet God (it’s so not a goddess), or in this case maybe it’s the Health God. I feel deprived and bitter and put upon. I feel like I’m holding myself back on every level, weighting for some perfect state of health that’s not going to come. I feel trapped, torn between giving up dieting for weight loss, and eating in a way that works for my body, which is dieting!

Then I read something like this from gluten free girl:

When I found out it was celiac disease, and all I had to do was stop eating gluten to find my health again, I never thought of all the foods I had to live without. I thought only, yes. Yes to being alive. Yes to all the foods that do not contain gluten that I can eat. Yes to food and being awake and my body healing. Yes to all of this.

And I feel small, horribly, horribly small. In spirit, not size.

If I found out I had celiac disease would I be this happy? I doubt it seriously.  I would weep at the thought of never having bread again. I make awesome bread. I have a huge framed poster of bread in my kitchen. I doubt I could look forward to a life without bread and not feel I was being punished for something, I know not what. Because that’s what dieting for any reason feels like, like punishment for unknown and made-up crimes.  But not to gluten free girl. She’s just happy as a clam without bread. And not to anyone who sees a huge restriction as an opportunity to create something new.

I want to let this trapped feeling go but I’m so used to it, it’s all I know. I’m not sure what’s there without it. How do I make the switch from focusing on what I can have instead of what I can’t. How do I say YES to life, when NO has been shrieking at me constantly for so long? How do I drown NO and resuscitate YES?

If you have any ideas, let me know. Alright?

August 15, 2009. Tags: , , , , . diet. Leave a comment.

the most wonderful time of the year

I’m so fucking tired of exercise and weight loss commercials. Seriously, do I need people telling me every five minutes that my life is meaningless and a waste of time if I’m not thin with a flat stomach.

These commercials play on people’s self hatred, their sense of worthlessness, which most of us have whether we’re thin or not. It’s just that if you’re fat the world tells you you’re justified in your self-hatred. I’m so sick of hating myself because I’m fat. I’m so sick of the next plot to get thin. It’s all so tiresome. I just want to eat what I want.

Oprah said “I started eating whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.” What else does this apply to? Let’s change the word ‘eating’ to see what happens:

I started doing whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.

I started saying whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.

I started fucking whomever I wanted — and that’s never good.

I started living how I wanted — and that’s never good.

I started believing whatever I wanted — and that’s never good.

See where I’m going with this? Sometimes I feel like my life is just all about the suppression of desire.  Food, sex, what I say, what I do, what I even think.  Do I really need to suppress every desire I’ve ever had?  Can I even figure out what I want? There are so many ‘No! Bad Girl!’ shouts I have no idea any more. Have I ever known.

My stomach hurts.

January 11, 2009. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

poor obese children not eating enough

It’s true. More and more studies are going to come out like this one. Best quote:

Missing from the children’s diets were four key nutrients: calcium, magnesium, potassium and phosphorus. All play important roles, but magnesium is involved in more than 300 enzymatic reactions in the body that help to spur metabolism and cell function.

When magnesium — found in cooked spinach, black beans, bran cereal and other foods — is missing from the diet, it can predispose an individual to diabetes, Trevino said.

Calories in, calories out is bullshit.  Of course nutritionists who know nothing about physics are going to read this and say something idiotic like “1400 calories a day is way too much for a 9 year old.”  It’s not the quantity of the calories, as much as the quality. Good Calories, Bad Calories.

These are poor kids who were weaned on corn chips and soda, after being fed formula with high fructose corn syrup as infants.  This effects these kids on every level. How do you think this affects their work at school and their ability to learn. Now do you see why school breakfast and lunch programs are important? But of course they’re only fat because they make bad choices and are lazy. Give me a fraking break. Oh and let’s also add that they’re probably black or Hispanic to boot, and then let all the stereotypes rip. Jesus this pisses me off.

November 20, 2008. Tags: , , , . Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Pooh was right

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “what’s the first thing you say to yourself?”

“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”

“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet

Pooh nodded thoughtfully. “It’s the same thing,” he said.

Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne

Truer words were never said. This is the way I think. Food is the excitement in my life. For me, food offers thrills and pleasures that other parts of my life do not (can not?) offer.

Why food? Maybe it’s because food can be a thrill a day. Everyday is an opportunity to eat something wonderful. Something that fills your mouth with flavors and sets your whole body tingling. And you have to eat. Every day. Or you’ll die. How cool is that?!!

I hear about people being excited about cars or basketball, and I just don’t see it. Big whoop! Don’t let me drive past a new bakery. I’ll be making a u-turn in the middle of the street just to get back to it. I have a friend who feels the same way. You should hear us when one has found a new restaurant or coffee shop.  We remember everything we had and report in detail. It’s so exciting!

How do I have an exciting life, a thrill a day, without food? Nothing has ever been able to take the place of food before, so I struggle to even imagine what would. If anyone has any ideas please let me know. And don’t say exercise in general, be more specific. I’ve tried a lot of different activities and honestly none of them are as thrilling as a really good bread.

November 10, 2008. Tags: , , . diet routine, Uncategorized. 2 comments.