Here I go again

I want to avoid this. Really I do. I want to be all “hey I’m confident in my body right now as is.” But I’m not. I’m really not.So here I go again, because I don’t really feel that well.

I’m getting headaches again, waking up with them. My knees are suddenly killing me. I’m tired all the time. I feel heavy, like I’m just dragging myself around. And my skin, my skin is not flawless. So. The dreaded D word. I refuse to call it a “lifestyle”. First of all I hate the word “lifestyle” and second, it’s not a lifestyle. A lifestyle is living on the beach and surfing every morning, or a farm and taking care of your animals. This is a diet, plain and simple.

I’m all over the fatosphere, reading the fat positive blogs, so I know that diets don’t work, if by “work” you mean solely that you lose weight “permanently”, then no diets don’t work. But what if by work I mean other things like, having flawless skin, no headaches, no bloating or stomach pain, and no uncontrollable farting. No uncontrollable farting is a goal to work toward.

So this whole situation doubly sucks. Because now I have to give up all the foods I truly truly love, and I’m not even going to fucking be skinny.  What’s the point?!?  See above.

I love sugar, I love bread, I love jams and jellies and crepes. It’s not fair, it’s not right. What am I suppose to do for fun and pleasure now? Pooh was right, Pooh was right.

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April 28, 2009. Tags: , , . diet, fat acceptance, weight loss. Leave a comment.

dreams

180

Yes, 180. Honestly I could say 183 (I obsessively weighed myself again later in the day), but that would be too much. Just last week I was saying how I had no doubt I would be at my old ‘fighting weight’ of 175 this week. The shock of not losing the usual 4-5 lbs in a week was stunning. I just stared at the scale confused by the numbers, trying to make sure I was really adding 50 and 30 together correctly. Not only did I not lose anything, but I’d gained a pound.

What happened this week? I’ve been obsessing on this all day. All during yoga. While manically cooking high fat/low carb food for hours in the kitchen before I sat down exhausted. And then going on a walk so I could go to the gym and weigh myself again (183). I’ve been interrogating myself all day. Scrutinizing everything I ate and did this week. Did I eat too much fruit? Too little fruit? Not enough meat? Too many nuts? Not enough cheese? Should I eat cheese at all? Did I just eat too much? Is it because I didn’t go to yoga this week?

I hate this. And doing this makes me feel the old WW crazy, that obsessive combination of food and blame. Odds are I’m bloated because I have my period. But the horror of not losing any more weight was terrifying. That awful question came back: what if I never lose weight?

I talked to one of my best friends from college today. When I admitted to her that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, her response was “whatever it is that will make you happy, you have to do it. Even it’s just playing the guitar. Don’t let anything stop you from doing it.” Sage advice, but I didn’t realize until I took that walk afterwards that my sole desire in life has been to be thin.

Kate Harding has a great post on this: “The Fantasy of Being Thin“. I found Kate from the NYTimes article on the Fatosphere. It’s that fantasy that has been my companion, my sole hope, goal, wish, and passion my entire life. I talked about my lack of childhood goals on my other blog here and even kind of here in a weird way. But I now realize I’ve always had a huge overarching, all-encompassing, life-defining, passionate goal. To be thin.

All goals — any idea of a goal — have always been dependent on my losing weight. Even after realizing I could die without having done anything, being thin is still my core goal. Even after the triathlons at 200+ lbs and the biking and running and yoga, my mantra is still “I could be so much better at this if I were thin.” Always. That mantra never leaves me. It never lowers its voice or asks permission to speak, it just shouts “God! I can’t wait to be thin so I can do these binds without a strap!”

This is the essence of Weighting.

February 3, 2008. fat acceptance, weight loss. Leave a comment.

I eat

179. I’ve lost three pounds this week. Here’s what I’m doing: I eat in front of the TV and I lose weight. I eat late at night and I lose weight. I eat in a hurry and I lose weight. I eat standing up and I lose weight. I eat mindlessly in front of the computer at work, not stopping until I’ve eaten all the food in front of me and I lose weight. I eat 3 meals a day with a few handfuls of almonds and/or a piece of cheese and I lose weight. I eat apples and I lose weight. I eat a lot and I lose weight. I eat a little and I lose weight.

Here’s what I’m not doing: I’m not starving and desperately trying to wait until at least 12:00 noon to eat my lunch at work because I know if I eat it at 10:30am when I actually become ravenously hungry (even though I waited to eat breakfast until 9:00am) I’ll be super ravenously hungry by 1:00pm and I just didn’t pack that much food, so I’ll probably dig into the candy dish or better yet run somewhere and get a sandwich, which I’ll only eat half of because I don’t want to eat too much and be the lazy glutton that everyone thinks I am just because I’m fat. Do I sound bitter?

I’m almost finished with GCBC; finally I’m on the last chapter. Gary Taubes has a great Op-Ed piece on the whole Vytorin blowup in the NYTimes.  Of course NYT’s Health section totally found doctors who defended Vytorin and were taking it themselves. After reading that article, and GCBC with all the doctors who don’t understand the implications of their own research, I realize I should have gone to medical school. Apparently you don’t have to be that bright.

January 28, 2008. diet routine, Gary Taubes, weight loss. Leave a comment.