New Year, Old Me

I’ve spent the last year gaining weight. It started with Holiday Season ’08, when I did my usual overeating of sweets and I stopped going to yoga 4 times a week because I got pissed at one of my teachers. I decided to branch out to other teachers, which has been awesome and enlightening, but I only went to yoga 2-3 times a week.

I haven’t gained tons of weight, just the usual 25-30 pounds, that range between 175 and 200-205 that I’ve been bouncing between for the last 25 years. I just wrote over on my other blog that I’m sick of making the same new year’s resolution to lose weight, but it’s always there whether I make it officially or not.

Dieting sucks, and it just feels like a futile act because I know I’ll be doing the same thing a year or two or three years from now, wondering how I can get even smaller if I haven’t gained back the weight, or how to lose it again if I have. Exercising for hours a day takes up too much time and exercising for 30 minutes does nothing for me. Really. I’ve tried it. I might a well just watch TV.

I made a delicious New Year’s Day dinner yesterday (yeah, I know it was January 2nd): Pork, greens, black eyed peas, rice, and cornbread, with ice cream sandwiches made with molasses cookies for dessert. Yum!! Cooking it made me happy. Eating it with friends I’d invited over made me happy. Am I supposed to ignore this happiness for some unknown, slimmer happiness? Why am I not supposed to be happy with this?

So this is my dilemma. I know I’m supposed to be all fat acceptance-y, but I don’t feel good.  I feel weak and tired a lot, just bloated. My knees will not stop hurting and my hips and lower back are starting to get into the act. My skin is all broken out. And my boobs are just huge. (I realize that some may not consider this a bad thing, but carrying 10 pounds on your chest 24/7 is exhausting).

If I’d lost the use of my legs for example, I wonder if I would understand self acceptance better and know that I would never walk again. That would suck, but I would have to deal with it as it is.  But weight is different. I can lose weight. Can’t I? I have lost weight. But it’s interesting, no matter what the diet, I can never get below about 170. Any diet I’ve ever been on just stalls there, even when I’m still on track. So maybe I should say there’s the illusion that I can lose weight and re-gain the use of my metaphoric limbs.

Where is the line between self acceptance and trying to change myself to feel better?  How do I love myself as I am, fat, yet try to lose weight so that I feel better physically. I’m damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

January 3, 2010. Tags: , , . fat acceptance. 3 comments.

Here I go again

I want to avoid this. Really I do. I want to be all “hey I’m confident in my body right now as is.” But I’m not. I’m really not.So here I go again, because I don’t really feel that well.

I’m getting headaches again, waking up with them. My knees are suddenly killing me. I’m tired all the time. I feel heavy, like I’m just dragging myself around. And my skin, my skin is not flawless. So. The dreaded D word. I refuse to call it a “lifestyle”. First of all I hate the word “lifestyle” and second, it’s not a lifestyle. A lifestyle is living on the beach and surfing every morning, or a farm and taking care of your animals. This is a diet, plain and simple.

I’m all over the fatosphere, reading the fat positive blogs, so I know that diets don’t work, if by “work” you mean solely that you lose weight “permanently”, then no diets don’t work. But what if by work I mean other things like, having flawless skin, no headaches, no bloating or stomach pain, and no uncontrollable farting. No uncontrollable farting is a goal to work toward.

So this whole situation doubly sucks. Because now I have to give up all the foods I truly truly love, and I’m not even going to fucking be skinny.  What’s the point?!?  See above.

I love sugar, I love bread, I love jams and jellies and crepes. It’s not fair, it’s not right. What am I suppose to do for fun and pleasure now? Pooh was right, Pooh was right.

April 28, 2009. Tags: , , . diet, fat acceptance, weight loss. Leave a comment.

coming back

I haven’t posted in a while, because… well because.

I was inspired to write just to spread the word about this great post on the Fatshionista site: Fatness & Uplift.

The writer hits all the key points about the so-called fat acceptance of the black community. Another point is that much of it (and the ‘it’ is much more narrow than people assume) is dependent on class: the more education and money you have, the less acceptable it is.

One thing she did not touch on is the number of non-married black women. Is it a coincidence that so many black women are over weight and so many never marry?

Maybe that’s stretching it a bit but I can’t help but think how the stereotypes of the fat black, asexual mammy and Jezebel, the black woman always ready for sex, have conflated and become the lonely, horny, fat black woman who’s desperate for sex and a man but can’t get either.

How many Eddie Murphy or oh-dear-god Martin Lawrence movies are based on that premise? It’s a stereotype produced not by whites but by black men. Where is the fat acceptance in that?

Now I’m just depressing myself…

August 7, 2008. Tags: . fat acceptance. Leave a comment.

dreams

180

Yes, 180. Honestly I could say 183 (I obsessively weighed myself again later in the day), but that would be too much. Just last week I was saying how I had no doubt I would be at my old ‘fighting weight’ of 175 this week. The shock of not losing the usual 4-5 lbs in a week was stunning. I just stared at the scale confused by the numbers, trying to make sure I was really adding 50 and 30 together correctly. Not only did I not lose anything, but I’d gained a pound.

What happened this week? I’ve been obsessing on this all day. All during yoga. While manically cooking high fat/low carb food for hours in the kitchen before I sat down exhausted. And then going on a walk so I could go to the gym and weigh myself again (183). I’ve been interrogating myself all day. Scrutinizing everything I ate and did this week. Did I eat too much fruit? Too little fruit? Not enough meat? Too many nuts? Not enough cheese? Should I eat cheese at all? Did I just eat too much? Is it because I didn’t go to yoga this week?

I hate this. And doing this makes me feel the old WW crazy, that obsessive combination of food and blame. Odds are I’m bloated because I have my period. But the horror of not losing any more weight was terrifying. That awful question came back: what if I never lose weight?

I talked to one of my best friends from college today. When I admitted to her that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, her response was “whatever it is that will make you happy, you have to do it. Even it’s just playing the guitar. Don’t let anything stop you from doing it.” Sage advice, but I didn’t realize until I took that walk afterwards that my sole desire in life has been to be thin.

Kate Harding has a great post on this: “The Fantasy of Being Thin“. I found Kate from the NYTimes article on the Fatosphere. It’s that fantasy that has been my companion, my sole hope, goal, wish, and passion my entire life. I talked about my lack of childhood goals on my other blog here and even kind of here in a weird way. But I now realize I’ve always had a huge overarching, all-encompassing, life-defining, passionate goal. To be thin.

All goals — any idea of a goal — have always been dependent on my losing weight. Even after realizing I could die without having done anything, being thin is still my core goal. Even after the triathlons at 200+ lbs and the biking and running and yoga, my mantra is still “I could be so much better at this if I were thin.” Always. That mantra never leaves me. It never lowers its voice or asks permission to speak, it just shouts “God! I can’t wait to be thin so I can do these binds without a strap!”

This is the essence of Weighting.

February 3, 2008. fat acceptance, weight loss. Leave a comment.

What are you weighting for?

I weigh 182 pounds. I haven’t weighed this little in about 4 years. I’ve lost 13lbs in 17 days by cutting out most carbohydrates from, and adding fat to, my diet.

I’ve never been diet crazy. I am not one of those people who’s been on every diet under the sun. In fact I’ve only been on Weight Watchers, which I think is the most sensible low fat, low calorie diet plan out there. In the past 18 years I’ve joined WW half a dozen times. Two of those times I lost 50+ pounds. Unfortunately they were the same 50lbs. I would lose that much weight, then stall around 175. My goal weight was always 25-40lbs away. I would keep the weight I had lost off for 2 or 3 years then it would come back.

When I moved to Austin 5 years ago without a job and not knowing anyone, I gained 40lbs in 6 months topping out at about 220. I decided dieting was insane (doing something over and over and expecting a different result). I consciously chose not to diet, but work on just doing what I wanted to do anyway and accepting myself as I am. My barely subconscious goal was to lose weight by exercising. Biking, running, swimming, karate, scuba diving, yoga. I wanted to be as active as possible to take off the pounds. I also stopped eating at the fastest of the fast foods like McDonalds. I lost 20lbs. In three years.

I’m not very good at this blogging thing: I didn’t weight myself or take measurements the first day. I weigh myself erratically. Although I’m starting to weigh myself on Saturdays. That seems like a good day. I’m not following any specific book, not Atkins, not the Zone, not whatever else is out there. I don’t want to follow random rules for the rest of my life. I’m just eating meat, fish, eggs, cheese/dairy, vegetables and fats. Butter is good. I just added fruit back into the mix a few days ago. When I lose more weight I’ll try to add whole grains back into my diet. A life without bread seems kind of sad. Especially since I make amazing bread. And a life without sugar… too bad I went to pastry school.

January 14, 2008. diet, fat acceptance, Uncategorized, weight. Leave a comment.