Romancing the Scale

I still don’t believe I’m physically attractive. I’m still holding on to losing weight. That’s what I’m doing. (There’s a great post at Shapely Prose about weighting called The Fantasy of Being Thin that addresses just this point. Definitely check it out).

How do I stop weighting when the central goal of my life has been to lose weight? and I’ve never done it to a point that I was not overweight. Even now at my lowest I’m on a thin line between obese and overweight. I know I’ve lost so much weight. Know that. But I never get past here, this middle passage, this passing as normal when all I really want to be is genuinely thin.

But it’s bigger than just weight. I never get past intermediate in anything I do. Never an expert, never a pro, never get to the level I want to be on. I can’t name one thing I’ve been obsessed with, tried, wanted that I got past a so-so level.

Where do I push through? When do I say, at all costs I have to do this to the Nth degree. All I’ve ever really wanted to do is be thin. Does it begin there? And if I can’t get thin, can I accomplish anything else?

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October 16, 2008. Tags: , , . Uncategorized.

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