I’ve been steady around 180 but I have not been able to stop eating carbs since vacation. It was a brilliant vacation as I reported earlier, but it ended two months of no sugar or white flour or even potatoes, and I can’t seem to get back to that consistency. I can’t seem to do it for a week let alone two months straight.

Why? There are a couple of reasons. 1) After I came back from vacation I felt no real ill effects eating anything I wanted for a few weeks, so I did it for a month. And 2) I had surgery, pretty major abdominal surgery with lots of internal stitching. Surgery a. throws your system off completely and b. my mother was here with me for a month (thank god for Moms!) But I’m healing nicely and my mother has been gone for almost a month.

Lies! Lies! Lies! Well… all of the above is true, but the real answer is: The novelty has warn off. As with any actual diet, I’m just sick of not eating things that I find truly yummy, sick of saying no to myself. But something has changed. Now my main goal is to use food to heal myself. I really want to eat this way, and get this, even if I do not lose weight.

That’s a stunning statement. Since I first went on a diet 18 years ago, if I eat a certain way, it’s pretty much solely because I want to lose weight, to be thin, which of course will lead me to the wonderful, glamorous life I should be leading if only it weren’t for this indestructable fat suit. But I digress.

The diet itself has changed somewhat, or a great deal depending on how you look at it. I read yet another book, In Defense of Food, and now instead of a simple low carb diet, I’m trying to eat Real Food. No hormones or antibiotics anywhere. Organic produce, pastured eggs, chicken, pork, grass-fed beef. I have virgin organic coconut oil for cooking and moisturizing. I’ve sought out and found a source for raw milk, the cure-all according to so many internet sources, so you know it must be true. I am completely prepared to eat a ‘traditional’ diet of real food which I hope will bring me the most excellent health.

And I want to eat cake. And biscuits. And basically any kind of bread or sweets. (I really don’t seem to miss potatoes that much; every now and then I think of french fries, but not eating them doesn’t seem to hurt my soul the way not eating bread does.) Clearly I can’t just eat that. And the whole ‘balanced diet’ thing doesn’t work for me. Even the Ezekiel bread gives me I’m so sick of The Hunger – the dizzy, crazed screaming of ravenous hunger I have when I eat carbs; he hunger that comes over me even though I’d eaten something just a couple of hours before. The Hunger I’ve had all my life but just didn’t realize it until it wasn’t there, and I could finally describe it in its absence.

I want to eat the traditional diet. Really I do. Now that I know – know that I don’t have to have that hunger, that I can have super smooth, poreless skin, and not be bloated and gas-y all the time – how can I not eat that way? But clearly I don’t want to eat like that, because I just said I didn’t because it hurt my soul not to eat biscuits. Confusing? Yes. So here’s the real answer: I want to eat whatever I want, BUT I do not want to suffer the consequences. And now it is obvious that the consequences are not just dress size.

I’m 100% convinced that it’s ‘industrial’ food (the opposite of ‘real’ and/or ‘traditional’ food) that causes most of our diseases. It just makes total sense. And I know for a fact what it does to my bowels and my skin and my hunger and headaches. I was in surgery almost four hours and spent two days in the hospital to have huge fibroids removed, and I don’t want to do that again. So what’s causing me to make other choices? There are a dozen studies about this so I won’t repeat them.  I’m terrified of alzheimer’s even more than cancer or heart disease.  I’m just tired of feeling tired and achy. I could be overreacting; it could be just that I’m getting older, but honestly I don’t remember when I didn’t feel like this.

I think more than anything this post is a plea to myself. A plea to get over myself and just help my body heal.


May 25, 2008. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.