dreams

180

Yes, 180. Honestly I could say 183 (I obsessively weighed myself again later in the day), but that would be too much. Just last week I was saying how I had no doubt I would be at my old ‘fighting weight’ of 175 this week. The shock of not losing the usual 4-5 lbs in a week was stunning. I just stared at the scale confused by the numbers, trying to make sure I was really adding 50 and 30 together correctly. Not only did I not lose anything, but I’d gained a pound.

What happened this week? I’ve been obsessing on this all day. All during yoga. While manically cooking high fat/low carb food for hours in the kitchen before I sat down exhausted. And then going on a walk so I could go to the gym and weigh myself again (183). I’ve been interrogating myself all day. Scrutinizing everything I ate and did this week. Did I eat too much fruit? Too little fruit? Not enough meat? Too many nuts? Not enough cheese? Should I eat cheese at all? Did I just eat too much? Is it because I didn’t go to yoga this week?

I hate this. And doing this makes me feel the old WW crazy, that obsessive combination of food and blame. Odds are I’m bloated because I have my period. But the horror of not losing any more weight was terrifying. That awful question came back: what if I never lose weight?

I talked to one of my best friends from college today. When I admitted to her that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, her response was “whatever it is that will make you happy, you have to do it. Even it’s just playing the guitar. Don’t let anything stop you from doing it.” Sage advice, but I didn’t realize until I took that walk afterwards that my sole desire in life has been to be thin.

Kate Harding has a great post on this: “The Fantasy of Being Thin“. I found Kate from the NYTimes article on the Fatosphere. It’s that fantasy that has been my companion, my sole hope, goal, wish, and passion my entire life. I talked about my lack of childhood goals on my other blog here and even kind of here in a weird way. But I now realize I’ve always had a huge overarching, all-encompassing, life-defining, passionate goal. To be thin.

All goals — any idea of a goal — have always been dependent on my losing weight. Even after realizing I could die without having done anything, being thin is still my core goal. Even after the triathlons at 200+ lbs and the biking and running and yoga, my mantra is still “I could be so much better at this if I were thin.” Always. That mantra never leaves me. It never lowers its voice or asks permission to speak, it just shouts “God! I can’t wait to be thin so I can do these binds without a strap!”

This is the essence of Weighting.

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February 3, 2008. fat acceptance, weight loss.

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