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183

I haven’t been writing here because:

  1. I haven’t been losing weight
  2. I’d been extremely busy at work, and
  3. I just came back from a much-deserved vacation in Mexico where I was on a Las Olas Surf Safari!!

The Surf Safari is something I’d wanted to do for three years. Yes, 36 months. I finally stopped weighting in October when I signed up to go so I could be there the week of my 42nd birthday.
I ate whatever I wanted. The food was good and fresh and the shrimp became a habit. The first couple of nights the bread/tortillas didn’t agree with me, but after a while nothing bothered me. I didn’t eat anything sweet for days into it; I didn’t even put syrup on the pancakes at Rollie’s! I was outside all the time, even when I was in my ‘room’ which had a terrace almost as large as my apartment with an outdoor kitchen.

And there was of course surfing!! Paddling out, popping up and falling back in, just to do it all again. It was my dream vacation.  While I did cease weighting long enough to register, weight rarely left me while there.  I noticed immediately on arrival that I was the fattest women there. And, the old I-would-be-so-much-better-at-this-if-i were-smaller stayed with me much of the time.  Getting my leg up far enough is even more difficult on water than it is on my yoga mat.

The day after getting back I weighed myself. 183. About the same as it’s been for the last month. The idea of going back to my low carb/high fat diet seemed limiting. But I know what’s best for my body now and I can’t ignore it. Sometimes I wish I could.

February 29, 2008. diet, goals, surfing, vacation. Leave a comment.

dreams

180

Yes, 180. Honestly I could say 183 (I obsessively weighed myself again later in the day), but that would be too much. Just last week I was saying how I had no doubt I would be at my old ‘fighting weight’ of 175 this week. The shock of not losing the usual 4-5 lbs in a week was stunning. I just stared at the scale confused by the numbers, trying to make sure I was really adding 50 and 30 together correctly. Not only did I not lose anything, but I’d gained a pound.

What happened this week? I’ve been obsessing on this all day. All during yoga. While manically cooking high fat/low carb food for hours in the kitchen before I sat down exhausted. And then going on a walk so I could go to the gym and weigh myself again (183). I’ve been interrogating myself all day. Scrutinizing everything I ate and did this week. Did I eat too much fruit? Too little fruit? Not enough meat? Too many nuts? Not enough cheese? Should I eat cheese at all? Did I just eat too much? Is it because I didn’t go to yoga this week?

I hate this. And doing this makes me feel the old WW crazy, that obsessive combination of food and blame. Odds are I’m bloated because I have my period. But the horror of not losing any more weight was terrifying. That awful question came back: what if I never lose weight?

I talked to one of my best friends from college today. When I admitted to her that this wasn’t the life I wanted to be living, her response was “whatever it is that will make you happy, you have to do it. Even it’s just playing the guitar. Don’t let anything stop you from doing it.” Sage advice, but I didn’t realize until I took that walk afterwards that my sole desire in life has been to be thin.

Kate Harding has a great post on this: “The Fantasy of Being Thin“. I found Kate from the NYTimes article on the Fatosphere. It’s that fantasy that has been my companion, my sole hope, goal, wish, and passion my entire life. I talked about my lack of childhood goals on my other blog here and even kind of here in a weird way. But I now realize I’ve always had a huge overarching, all-encompassing, life-defining, passionate goal. To be thin.

All goals — any idea of a goal — have always been dependent on my losing weight. Even after realizing I could die without having done anything, being thin is still my core goal. Even after the triathlons at 200+ lbs and the biking and running and yoga, my mantra is still “I could be so much better at this if I were thin.” Always. That mantra never leaves me. It never lowers its voice or asks permission to speak, it just shouts “God! I can’t wait to be thin so I can do these binds without a strap!”

This is the essence of Weighting.

February 3, 2008. fat acceptance, weight loss. Leave a comment.